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Not being okay with being alone

July 30, 2018

 

       Originally this title was being okay with being alone but, I quickly realized that was not the case because, not only was I not okay with it, I hate it. Being okay with being alone has been one of my biggest struggles in life but that became a reality when I came to my summer classes. I was in a semi-new place with all new people. I am normally a very outgoing person but lately I have been a more introverted person. I have met a couple of people here and there but for some reason I just haven’t found “my” people. That may be because of the way I am looking, I am looking for people just like the people I have at home. But it might also be because even though I am a friendly person there is only a select group of people here. Either way I haven’t had the success in meeting new people that I am used to. 

        At first, I was fine I would lie to myself and tell myself that I liked being alone but that quickly changed. The first Monday I was here I would normally be at my granny’s house watching the Bachelorette with all the people I love (my cousins, granny, sister, boyfriend, and best friend) but I wasn’t there, and they were all there. That is when it hit me the hardest that life for everyone else is still going on even though I am not there. And let me tell you I get major cases of FOMO. I know it sounds extremely selfish that I was upset because everyone else was together but, I just wanted to be there with all the people I care about.  There have been moments where I have cried my eyes out because I just want to be with people that I know. I know this is what change is and I need to be okay with it but change and I are frenemies. Sometimes we get along but other times it is bad news. I have learned different ways to keep myself busy and the constant reminder of “this is only temporary” both help significantly.  

       I have learned that being okay with being alone is something that you need in life as you won’t always have people you know by you every second of every day. I like to say I have been pushed out of my comfort zone before but in reality, I have been pushed out of my comfort zone but still have my security blanket to make sure I am okay. As I laid in bed completely distraught one night I was trying to think why this is so hard for me. I have gone many places without my mom and dad. I had driven cross country with basically strangers for my mission trip. I have flown and drove miles on end with some of my best friends. But never have I ever but put in a position that has made me so uncomfortable. When I analyze why it is because I am not surrounded by people all the time. I don’t just have someone to text and ask to hang out. But most importantly I am still trying to figure out who I am here. 

At home everyone knows who I am and that has helped define me as to who I perceive myself as but here I could really be whatever I want to be. Here I don’t have anyone telling me what to be or how to be it. Here everyone is the new kid and you can take that and make it your own. I have taken this opportunity to really just be my own person. When I want to go for a run (which who knew I would ever want too) I just would, when I want to go to the coffee shop I do it, and when I want to eat I go for it. Now I am not saying I like this, but this has just become my reality this past month. I do

       When I was talking to someone about how this was all making me feel they asked me “But this experience doesn’t make you nervous for the whole college experience” and I can still say no. Even though I have had a hard time now I think this has helped me significantly for the rest of college. I already know some people going into the fall so that will help. But I also know that even though I will struggle I will be okay and that is all I need. I may not always be great, but I will make it through and I will be okay. I love adventures, so I am excited to see what this next one has to offer. 

       This post was supposed to be all about ways to be okay with being alone but as soon as I started writing I realized that I need those tips and, you can’t help others without helping yourself first.

 

 

                           xoxo,

                              Kaelyn  

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